Wit and Wisdom


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. -George Carlin

“Being over the hill is better than being under it.”

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in
town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.'(Don’t ever underestimate old Guys.)

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
“Not very long.” they answered in unison.
“Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?”
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
“But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life.”
The tourist interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”
“And after that?”
“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate
directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”
“How long would that take?”
“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years.” replied the tourist.
“And after that?”
“Afterwards? Well my friend, that’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the tourist, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!”
“Millions? Really? And after that?” asked the fishermen.
“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”
“With all due respect sir, but that’s exactly what we are doing now. So what’s the point wasting twenty-five years?” asked the Mexicans.
And the moral of this story is:
Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there:-)

All people who live, die. But, not all people who die have lived. -Anonymous

      Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me …  I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name!  I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it.  Please tell me what your name is..
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: …If you’re alive, it isn’t. -Richard Bach, writer (b. 1936)

The irate A customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.“Ma’am,” said the employee,” today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday”.  There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.“I’ll bet that’s why no one was in church today too.”

“Not in his goals but in his transitions man is great.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cremation?…Think outside the box.

“The best way to predict the future is to create it.” -Peter Drucker

“In this world it is not what we take up, but what we give up, that makes us rich.” – Henry Ward Beecher

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another
for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the
other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for
dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle
of the vegetable patch!”
“Oh dear! I’m very sorry.” replied her friend “What did you do?”
“Opened a can of peas instead.”

“Never confuse motion with action.”  -Benjamin Franklin

65 year-old George went to the doctor for an exam.  The doctor was
taking a history and asked,  “What did your father die of?”
“Who said he died? He’s 93 and still going strong.”  He responded.
“That’s great! Well how’d his father die?” inquired the doctor.
“Who said he died? He’s 113 and actually is getting married next
week.” said George.
“WOW! That’s fantastic, but why would a 113 year-old want to get
married? asked the doctor.
“Who said he wanted to get married?”

“I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the
edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” -Kurt
Vonnegut, Jr., writer (1922- )

“I get up every morning determined to both change the world and to have one hell of a good time. Sometimes, this makes planning the day difficult.” -E.B. White

An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth. -Bonnie Friedman, author (b. 1958)

Three friends suddenly die and meet up at the Pearly Gates, where they get to talking about what they would like to hear people say about them at their wake. The first man says, ” I hope people will say that I was a wonderful doctor annd a good family man.” The second man says, ” I would like to hear people say that as a school teacher I made a big difference in the lives of kids. “. The third man says, “I like to hear someone say, “Look, he’s moving!”

“If you prepare for the future, you won’t have to worry about it”. -author unknown

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worthwhile.” Herm Albright, writer

“They are happy men whose natures sort with their vocations”. -Francis Bacon, essayist, philosopher, and statesman (1561-1626)

Experience makes us see an enormous difference between piety and goodness.
-Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)

Once upon a time a man whose ax was missing suspected his neighbor’s son.
The boy walked like a thief, looked like a thief, and spoke like a thief.
But the man found his ax while digging in the valley, and the next time he
saw his neighbor’s son, the boy walked, looked and spoke like any other
child. -Lao-tzu, philosopher (6th century BCE)

My wife asked, “Watcha doing today?” and I responded, “Nothing”. Then she said, “You did that yesterday.” So I said “I wasn’t finished.”

“Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed that’s all who ever have.”- Margaret Mead

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. ‘That’s it’, he tells his wife. I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.’
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good”, sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help”.
“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect”‘.
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!”, says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.
“Where did it go?”, asks Arthur.
“I can’t remember”.

Like cars in amusement parks, our direction is often determined through collisions. -Yahia Lababidi, author (b. 1973)

“You are what you are because of what goes into your mind.” -Zig Ziglar

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

After putting her grandchildren to bed for a sleepover, a grandmother washed off her makeup, changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and began to color her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say in a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do,’ said the doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens. “Then in a normal tone he asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey,what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Ralph , for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!!!”

Only the madman is absolutely sure. -Robert Anton Wilson, novelist (1932-2007)

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No,” he says. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
The first man says, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married .”
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

“Our heads are round so that thoughts can change direction.” -Francis Picabia, painter and poet (1879-1953)

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.  “This is the 21st century , old man, ” he said.  “We don’t waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.”  …  I’ll tell you what. That bloody fly never knew what hit it.

The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been. -Madeleine L’Engle, writer (29 Nov 1918-2007)

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